The White House’s NSA Logic Applied to Everything Else

National Journal wrote these responses from Jay Carney so you don’t have to.

National Journal
Lucia Graves
Oct. 23, 2013, 12:26 p.m.

After An­gela Merkel called Pres­id­ent Obama with con­cerns the U.S. had spied on her mo­bile phone, the White House gave a curi­ous re­sponse.

“I can tell you that the pres­id­ent as­sured the chan­cel­lor that the United States is not mon­it­or­ing and will not mon­it­or the com­mu­nic­a­tions of the chan­cel­lor,” said White House press sec­ret­ary Jay Car­ney.

He did not, however, ad­dress the pos­sib­il­ity that the NSA had pre­vi­ously in­ter­cep­ted the Ger­man chan­cel­lor’s com­mu­nic­a­tions as part of a broad­er eaves­drop­ping sweep.

Be­low are a few oth­er sug­ges­ted re­sponses for the White House and any­one else who’d like to dodge a ques­tion. We’ve got one for every oc­ca­sion.

Nix­on post-Wa­ter­gate: “I am not a crook. Nor in the fu­ture will I be a crook “¦ “

Nix­on dur­ing Vi­et­nam: “We are not bomb­ing Laos. Nor will we in the fu­ture … “

Clin­ton post-Lew­in­sky: “I am not hav­ing sexu­al re­la­tions with that wo­man. Nor will I in the fu­ture … “

Woody Al­len, just gen­er­ally: “I am not at this mo­ment sleep­ing with your wife. Nor will I in the fu­ture … “

Fired White House Staffer: “I am not tweet­ing from the NSC. Nor will I in the fu­ture “¦ “

JFK after Bay of Pigs: “We are not in­vad­ing Cuba. Nor will we in the fu­ture … “

Daniel Day Lewis post-milk­shake: “I am not drink­ing your milk­shake. Nor in the fu­ture will I drink your milk­shake “¦ “

CIA: “We are not tor­tur­ing Gitmo de­tain­ees. Nor will we in the fu­ture … “

FDR: “We are not il­leg­ally de­tain­ing Ja­pan­ese Amer­ic­ans. Nor will we in the fu­ture … “

Witch: “I’m not a witch, I’m not! They dressed me up like this … “

USA: “We are not selling arms to Ir­an to secretly give money to re­volu­tion­ary Con­tras in Nicaragua. Nor will we in the fu­ture … “

IRS: “The IRS is not un­fairly tar­get­ing con­ser­vat­ive groups. Nor will we in the fu­ture … “

Hitler: “I am not in­vad­ing Po­land now. Nor will I in the fu­ture … “

Matt Vasi­lo­gam­bros, Patrick C. Re­is, and Mat­thew Cooper con­trib­uted jokes and in­spir­a­tion

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