No, Edward Snowden Did Not Blow the Lid Off the Alien Conspiracy

A semi-official Iranian news agency says the leaker’s documents “prove” ETs exist and are running the government. The truth may be out there, but it’s not here.

Space shuttle fan Vivian Robinson rides her bicycle covered in shuttle memorabilia, American flags and a alien doll,outside Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) as she waits to see Space Shuttle Endeavour, in the early morning hours October 12, 2012 in Los Angeles, California.
National Journal
Alex Seitz Wald
Add to Briefcase
Alex Seitz-Wald
Jan. 13, 2014, 12:27 p.m.

What do Ad­olph Hitler, Ed­ward Snowden, and ex­tra­ter­restri­als have in com­mon?

Who knows. But FARS is a semi-of­fi­cial news agency of the Ir­a­ni­an gov­ern­ment, re­portedly af­fil­i­ated with the Re­volu­tion­ary Guards, which sug­gests that someone in Tehran thinks this new re­port al­leging that Wash­ing­ton is secretly run by a malevol­ent race of ex­tra­ter­restri­als known as “Tall Whites” — who also, by the way, en­gin­eered Hitler’s rise to power — will boost their coun­try’s geo­pol­it­ic­al pos­ture vis a vis the United States.

The FARS re­port, which is al­most en­tirely pla­gi­ar­ized word-for-word from a crack­pot con­spir­acy blog that claims to be the “World’s Largest Eng­lish Lan­guage News Ser­vices,” brings the as­ton­ish­ing rev­el­a­tion that a Rus­si­an se­cur­ity-agency re­port on doc­u­ments leaked by Ed­ward Snowden provides “‘in­con­tro­vert­ible proof’ that an “ali­en/ex­tra­ter­restri­al in­tel­li­gence agenda” is driv­ing U.S. do­mest­ic and in­ter­na­tion­al policy, and has been do­ing so since at least 1945.”

I can’t find any oth­er news re­ports about this al­legedly totally real Rus­si­an FSB re­port on Snowden, and one as­sumes there would at least be some cov­er­age of ar­gu­ably the biggest re­veal of the cen­tury. Snowden says he brought no secret doc­u­ments to Rus­sia, where he is cur­rently liv­ing.

Glenn Gre­en­wald, the journ­al­ist who broke the Snowden story and has spent more time por­ing over his doc­u­ments than per­haps any­one else on this plan­et, splashed cold wa­ter on the FARS re­port, re­spond­ing sar­castic­ally:

@aseitzwald It was the story I was work­ing on next. I was scooped and I’m not happy about it. #Ali­en­Hitler­Link

— Glenn Gre­en­wald (@ggre­en­wald) Janu­ary 13, 2014

The re­port leans heav­ily on a Rus­si­an tele­vi­sion in­ter­view with former Ca­na­dian De­fense Min­is­ter Paul Helly­er, who has made a name for him­self in re­cent years by claim­ing that there are 80 dif­fer­ent spe­cies of ali­ens who walk among us and for warn­ing that George W. Bush was go­ing to “get us in­to an in­ter­galactic war” with some of those spe­cies by build­ing a moon base

FARS has also re­cently re­por­ted that a 27-year-old Ir­a­ni­an man in­ven­ted a time ma­chine and, on the eve of the 2012 elec­tion, that most white rur­al voters in Amer­ica would rather vote for then-Ir­a­ni­an Pres­id­ent Mah­moud Ah­mad­ine­jad than Barack Obama. That lat­ter story came from The Onion.

But at least those bogus stor­ies made some sense for a semi-pro­pa­ganda out­fit — they make Ir­an look good. Why FARS thinks it can help Tehran win the cold war with Wash­ing­ton with such a pat­ently ab­surd story is bey­ond us.

One shot in the dark: Ir­an and in­ter­na­tion­al powers just fi­nal­ized a nuc­le­ar deal, which will go in­to ef­fect later this month. At least this gets people talk­ing about something else.

The truth may be out there, but it’s not here.

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