REMARKS BY THE PRESIDENT
AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS ASSOCIATION DINNER
The Washington Hilton
10:01 P.M. EDT
THE PRESIDENT: All right, everybody, please have a seat. (Applause.)
My fellow Americans. (Laughter and applause.) Mahalo! (Laughter.) It is wonderful to be here at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. What a week. (Laughter.) As some of you heard, the state of Hawaii released my official long-form birth certificate. (Applause.)
Hopefully this puts all doubts to rest. But just in case there are any lingering questions, tonight I’m prepared to go a step further. (Laughter.) Tonight, for the first time, I am releasing my official birth video. (Laughter.)
Now, I warn you -- (laughter) -- no one has seen this footage in 50 years, not even me. But let’s take a look.
“Secret Birth Video” plays.) (Applause.)
Oh, well. Back to square one. (Laughter.) I want to make clear to the Fox News table: That was a joke. (Laughter.) That was not my real birth video. (Laughter.) That was a children’s cartoon. (Laughter.) Call Disney if you don't believe me. (Laughter.) They have the original long-form version. (Laughter.)
Anyway, it’s good to be back with so many esteemed guests. Celebrities. Senators. Journalists. Essential government employees. (Laughter.) Non-essential government employees. (Laughter.) You know who you are. (Laughter.)
I am very much looking forward to hearing Seth Meyers tonight. (Applause.) He’s a young, fresh face who can do no wrong in the eyes of his fans. Seth, enjoy it while it lasts. (Laughter.)
Yes, I think it is fair to say that when it comes to my presidency, the honeymoon is over. (Laughter.) For example, some people now suggest that I’m too professorial. And I’d like to address that head-on, by assigning all of you some reading that will help you draw your own conclusions. (Laughter.) Others say that I'm arrogant. But I've found a really great self-help tool for this: my poll numbers. (Laughter.)
I’ve even let down my key core constituency: movie stars. Just the other day, Matt Damon -- I love Matt Damon, love the guy -- Matt Damon said he was disappointed in my performance. Well, Matt, I just saw “The Adjustment Bureau,” so -- (laughter) -- right back atcha, buddy. (Laughter and applause.)
Of course, there’s someone who I can always count on for support: my wonderful wife Michelle. (Applause.) We made a terrific team at the Easter Egg Roll this week. I’d give out bags of candy to the kids, and she’d snatch them right back out of their little hands. (Laughter.) Snatched them. (Laughter.)
And where is the National Public Radio table? (Cheering.) You guys are still here? (Laughter.) That's good. I couldn’t remember where we landed on that. (Laughter.) Now, I know you were a little tense when the GOP tried to cut your funding, but personally I was looking forward to new programming like “No Things Considered” -- (laughter) -- or “Wait, Wait…Don't Fund Me.” (Laughter.)
Of course, the deficit is a serious issue. That's why Paul Ryan couldn’t be here tonight. His budget has no room for laughter. (Laughter.)
Michele Bachmann is here, though, I understand, and she is thinking about running for President, which is weird because I hear she was born in Canada. (Laughter.) Yes, Michele, this is how it starts. (Laughter.) Just letting you know. (Laughter and applause.)
Tim Pawlenty? He seems all American. But have you heard his real middle name? Tim “Hosni” Pawlenty? (Laughter.) What a shame. (Laughter.)
My buddy, our outstanding ambassador, Jon Huntsman, is with us. Now, there’s something you might not know about Jon. He didn’t learn to speak Chinese to go there. Oh no. (Laughter.) He learned English to come here. (Laughter and applause.)
And then there’s a vicious rumor floating around that I think could really hurt Mitt Romney. I heard he passed universal health care when he was governor of Massachusetts. (Laughter.) Someone should get to the bottom of that.
And I know just the guy to do it -– Donald Trump is here tonight! (Laughter and applause.) Now, I know that he’s taken some flak lately, but no one is happier, no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than the Donald. (Laughter.) And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter –- like, did we fake the moon landing? (Laughter.) What really happened in Roswell? (Laughter.) And where are Biggie and Tupac? (Laughter and applause.)
But all kidding aside, obviously, we all know about your credentials and breadth of experience. (Laughter.) For example -- no, seriously, just recently, in an episode of Celebrity Apprentice -- (laughter) -- at the steakhouse, the men’s cooking team cooking did not impress the judges from Omaha Steaks. And there was a lot of blame to go around. But you, Mr. Trump, recognized that the real problem was a lack of leadership. And so ultimately, you didn’t blame Lil’ Jon or Meatloaf. (Laughter.) You fired Gary Busey. (Laughter.) And these are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night. (Laughter and applause.) Well handled, sir. (Laughter.) Well handled.