Rumors About the President

Our gay, coke-head Kenyan president is facing divorce from the first lady while sleeping with Beyoncé.

National Journal
Brian Resnick
Feb. 10, 2014, 6:50 a.m.

Re­ports of re­ports of a rumored forth­com­ing Wash­ing­ton Post art­icle say that Pres­id­ent Obama has been hav­ing an af­fair with Bey­on­cé.

Curi­ous that the two, who are some of the most fol­lowed and cloistered in­di­vidu­als in the world, could keep the re­la­tion­ship quiet un­til now. (Though in a strange PR move, the Wash­ing­ton Post has denied the ex­ist­ence of its own scoop.) Curi­ouser still that this is com­ing from Obama, who has long been re­por­ted to be gay. But this pres­id­ent has man­aged to keep a lot of his ne­far­i­ous past and present quiet. 

Here are some ex­amples.

Pres­id­ent Obama fre­quen­ted gay bat­houses in Chica­go.

Be­cause Obama was a “gay, co­caine-us­ing hust­ler.”

And he’s not even Amer­ic­an. He’s Kenyan.

And he’ll do whatever it takes to cov­er that in­form­a­tion up. A Hawaii­an of­fi­cial who re­leased Obama’s birth cer­ti­fic­ate was murdered. “Now in­vest­ig­at­ors, who be­lieve Obama’s cer­ti­fic­ate was faked, won­der wheth­er the wo­man was murdered to stop her from telling what she knew.”

His per­son­al life is in shambles.

For one, Obama had a “secret melt­down” in Decem­ber.

Which was just the last straw for Michelle Obama, who has had “enough.” After all, her 50th birth­day was a “dis­aster.”

Which is why Michelle Obama will di­vorce Barack after his pres­id­ency is over.

But why does he lie so much?

Maybe it’s be­cause he’s really a rep­tili­an shape shifter from an­oth­er di­men­sion

Or maybe it’s be­cause the U.S. gov­ern­ment has been run by space ali­ens since the 1940s. 

De­cide for yourselves, people.

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