Russia now has control over an arsenal of deadly weapons. Defense dolphins, which were supposed to protect Ukraine's border, may pose a threat to the U.S. "” if they can figure out how to shoot those pistols attached to their heads. At least the U.N. is doing all it can to condemn Russia's takeover of Crimea: It passed a resolution. Or, as Seth Meyers puts it, the equivalent of a negative Yelp review.
Plus: Ted Cruz tries an impersonation of Winston Churchill, The Atlantic reports on hibernating squirrels, and Fox News unveils its anti-Obama version of March Madness.