By Howard Mortman
NationalJournal.com
Wednesday, April 17, 2002

A close friend recommended that instead of writing a final column, I post my resume.

Six and a half years of Extreme memories.

Very funny. But too extreme -- even for me.

So what exactly is, or was, extreme about Extreme Mortman? Last week in the Washington Post, Lloyd Grove described my "antic musings." Alternatively, consider my three years writing this column as a dedication to the principle that extremism in the defense of comedy is no vice. Either way, here's a "best-of" reel from my six and a half years at The Hotline and National Journal, a wonderfully rewarding stint that started just as John F. Kennedy Jr. was getting into politics by launching a magazine and Colin Powell was getting out of politics by launching a book tour.

• My number one fan remains "Three's Company"'s John Ritter.

• I once got a TV ear piece stuck in, well, my ear. The April 1999 trip to the George Washington University hospital emergency room -- and the first ever punditectomy -- inspired this New York Post "Page Six" headline: "Say What?"

• Full coverage of New Hampshire primary lobster fests. As I said about one held at Rye Beach: Some ask Rye, others ask Rye not. Anyway, live free or diet.

• Presidential campaign staffers still tell me that at the polling center in Dixville Notch, N.H. -- where they historically vote first -- they've put on the wall a quote I said on C-SPAN, that in 1996 Lamar Alexander would start in Dixville Notch and end in a Knoxville Ditch.

• A pilgrimage to the Minnesota state house, where I discovered that Jesse Ventura is but the latest in a long line of bald Minnesota governors.

• My late 1997 all-politics interstate highway tour of the Americas, including the infamous Trent Lott's lost head episode, which did for me what the Ed Ames tomahawk toss did for Johnny Carson.

• My early top ten days as "Downtown Staffer," including a frightening obsession with '96 gadfly presidential candidate Morry Taylor, Larry King and PBS.

• Minute-by-minute coverage of the selling of President Bill Clinton's 1997 inauguration, including fine china and jewelry, as seen on QVC.

• Joe Lieberman beating me (and, I'll finally admit, a slew of others) in Washington's Funniest Celebrity Contest, then recognizing me years later for my jokes that appeared in the Wall Street Journal's "Washington Wire."

• My version of campaign reform: Hold the New Hampshire primary when it's warmer.

• The "All Politics Is Loco" segment on Mary Matalin's "America's Voice" show, where I performed the most unfocused stand-up routine in the history of red-bricked basement cable broadcasting -- sometimes wearing a tux, but never in an asparagus suit.

• The Saturday morning when I actually got long-lost C-SPAN host J.J. Johnson to ask me on air if I was appearing at Caesar's Palace. I reluctantly admitted that on a forthcoming trip to Vegas, I'd be at Caesar's, but I wouldn't be performing. He was puzzled.

• I still claim credit for Michael Bloomberg's election as New York City's mayor, even though I was kept out of his party at the 2000 Republican convention in Philadelphia. He hilariously made up for it, though, at the Democratic convention in Los Angeles. My digital photo was posted on the clipboards of all his staff, granting me complete access to his party at Spago.

• In 1996 we conducted veepstakes interviews on every potential Bob Dole running mate -- except the one he eventually picked, Jack Kemp. Nah, never could happen, we thought. Frankly, I'm still a skeptic.

• I'm excited that this weekend's International Money Fund protesters will also share their thoughts on the Middle East crisis. Jolly good! Last time they were in town they limited their intellectual capital to smashing Metro bus stops. How revolutionary. How thoughtful. Just make sure you stand behind the yellow line.

• Those wacky Extreme Webcasts, including my favorite -- an interview of Washington Mayor-in-waiting Faith, who both frightened me with her Dennis Hopper-esque intensity and entertained me with an amazing ability to play the trumpet between her legs.

• Signing off for the last time on MSNBC's "The Big Show" a few years back, Keith Olbermann thanked me by name for being a fan of his...

• ... I wonder if Aaron Brown will ever do the same.

• I was among the first to write about media anthrax envy...

• ... and the first to compare Don Rumsfeld to vintage wine...

• And last year I was named best humor columnist by about.com's political humor page. What a contest.

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